Riding in cars with pies

Imagine if you will, riding in the backseat of a flaxen-colored car at dusk. The sky looks bruised, black and grey with splotches of orange peeking through. Your mission is to infiltrate the headquarters of a (inter)nationally known environmental group which is , according to your sources, filled with pie. You of course aren't, of course, riding alone in the car. One rarely gets very far riding in the backseat of an empty car. Yor associate in the passenger seat is an excellent knitter who has turned this handicraft into a deadly art, able to incapacitate someone with the rib stitch if nescessary. The fellow at the wheel, besides being a top-notch getaway driver, uses wit and an uncanny knowledge of astrology to amaze and disorient his opponents. When you arrive at the rendesvous you don't know what to expect. Your sources haven't named a contact. The edifice itself is a cramped one story adobe house with overgrown desert plants in the front yard. You know you are in the right place because there is an overabundance of people in tie-dyed t-shirts loitering in and around the premises. The place gets filled up fast with people holding various reusable containers and pies. Someone has gone to the trouble of writing a list of all the available pies on a small whiteboard and you suddenly realize why you are here:onion pie. No one in their right mind would eat something so vile by choice. All the answers will be revealed in the onion pie. You wait in line holding your plastic plate and being jostled by hippies while your associates wait in the front room in case there is suddenly a riot. When you get to the front of the queue, you ask the serving lady for a slice of onion pie and she gives you a knowing look. You gather your associates and the slice of pie outside and carefully pick it apart so as not to draw suspicion to reveal a tiny slip of paper.

"At the State Fair"

I am currently writing this behind the garbage cans near the exhibition hall at the Gaylordsville County fair in Conneticutt where Mrs. Cherylee Bundt is accepting the blue ribbon for her "Amazing Rhubarb Pie" to which she credits her great-grandmother's recipe and a slew of other people in her fifteen minute acceptance speech. Since my last entry, I managed to escape the vessel I was trapped in using paper clips and a snowglobe. Once I was freed from what I feared would be my watery doom, I managed to swim to shore, which was surprisingly only 25 feet away and separated from the water with a four foot metal security rail. On the other side of the security rail were a family of four and six japanese tourists, all of whom looked incredibly alarmed. As it turned out, I was being locked away in a theme park attraction and the ghost that was hitting me up for money was really an actor named Sherman Ebers. Mr. Ebers has a penchant for betting on the horses and as an occupation dresses up as a furry purple make-believe creature in the Splashtastic Fantasy section of the park. But I digress. As I mentioned before I am behind the garbage cans near the exhibition hall at the Gaylordsville County Fair.
Those garbage cans are home to a vide variety of insects and rats that hover 'round in hopes of finding scraps, and I'm reminded of the rat named Templeton in the lovely children's book Charlotte's Web. Sheldon would wax poetically about the glories of deep-fried and sugary castoffs. Speaking of deep-fried foods, I can only pen a few more paltry lines before I meet with
the fried bread vendor, a secret agent from the Etruscan Secret Police sent to capture Mrs. Bundt a.k.a. Katvia Petrostovich, who has been using forged vegetables and handmade goods to compete at state fairs and expositions internationally. Her latest scam, the rhubarb pie, allegedly contains cleverly disguised turnips, yellow children's molding clay and other ingedients that have been told to me, which are far too obscene to mention here. To date, she has collected 14 blue ribbons, two medals for best in show, one for a zuchinni and the other for a sweet potato, and 5,000 dollars and prize money. There are also rumors that she won a honorable mention ribbon at a dog show at a local park which is odd considering all sources say she doesn't own a dog.